Your Way
by Complicity
Summary: "& on my last night on earth I'd pay a high price, to have no regrets & be done with my life." (Noah & the Whale) Jac Naylor fiction.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n My internet went down for a week & my dvd drive broke, so this happened. It's a bit more 'current' & based on the show's goings on than I'd normally write, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. & I'm still writing Afloat too, thankyou for the reviews. X**

**Your Way. Part 1.**

She walks through the automatic double doors for the first time in over a month, into a foyer that symbolises the very notion of normality for her. She's not expected back for a week. She's stepped straight off the plane, suitcase in tow. She's wearing bug-eyed sunglasses and is plugged into Mumford and Sons, just like it's any other day. Her face doesn't crack, not even when she spots Sasha out of the corner of her eye and ducks quickly into the lift, fearful of a bear hug. If he did that, you see, she's scared she'd cry.

**oooo**

"Jac Naylor is back. Now." Oliver's theatrical hiss towards the nurses station is met with a mixture of emotions from various staff members. Mo wants to know why, Tara drops the notes she's studying intently. Jonny is the rabbit in the headlights, whilst Elliot retreats quietly yet purposefully towards his office, pondering how he could obtain a hoover, fast.

**oooo**

"So have you spoken to her yet?" Mo's prying, incessantly.

"No. Has she even come out of her cave yet?" Jonny snaps spitefully. He doesn't mean it; About Jac at least, but he'd really rather his friend left him alone.

"Well, yeah, she's been all over Valentine like a rash."

"Well, fair do's, he's had a walk in the park with Prof Hope these last few weeks."

"Fair do's? You've changed your tune!"

"I was upset. We'd just broken up, Mo. I still respect her, you know that."

"You're barmy."

"Can we just, get on with our jobs?"

**oooo**

"So," Elliot breaks a silence that, to him, has become unfathomably awkward. "You're back early?"

"Yep."

"You.. didn't enjoy Japan?"

"Japan's a beautiful country. But to be honest, no. Did you know they currently have amongst the highest proportion of smokers in the world? Whole country will be riddled with emphesema in no time."

"I.. might have read that somewhere. Some article or, something. What about.. the food?" She gives him a withering glance that suggests he should know better, and declines him a spoken answer.

"How's the ward?"

"Oh, fine. Thankyou."

"I'm not trying to be polite, Elliot. Who performed the atrial valve replacement on Mr Wilson? I can't find his notes on the system."

**oooo**

Ollie dumps a stack of files on the Nurses' station so large it almost entirely obscures Tara from view. She peers over the top tentatively, increasingly grateful to have Elliot as a mentor.

"She finally cracked." He sighs heavily. "She's in there," he points to the office theatrically, "collating and organising her entire caseload. I mean, why? What's the point of doing that when you get back from leave? Would have been a hell of a lot more helpful before she left, now it's just a waste of my bloody time."

"Perhaps you should suggest that?" Tara smirks and he gives her a withering glare.

**oooo**

"Nurse Maconie." Elliot Hope addresses him suddenly as he walks across the ward with a pile of notes in hand, falling into step with him and making him nervous. Today doesn't need anymore unwarranted surprises from cardiothoracic consultants. "Would you mind popping into my office? Nothing to worry about, just something I'd like to talk about." He gets a sinking feeling in his gut as he dutifully follows his superior.

**oooo**

"Hold on," Mo cuts Tara short as she's mid sentence, regaling Ollie's woes from earlier. "Let me get this straight, is Jac Naylor leaving?"

"No I just, what do you mean?"

"Well, why's she back early, getting Valentine to help set her paperwork in order? She's not on the Theatre list all week. Out of all the surgeons in this building I've never known her go more than one shift without an op booked."

"She can't be, wouldn't we have heard by now? Hanssen, or something?"

"Not if she isn't going to work her notice."

"Why wouldn't she?"

"Because she wouldn't know loyalty if it slapped her in the face."

**oooo**

"Now," Elliot starts, "I suppose you know this is about Jac." Jonny's expression suggests quite the opposite. "I know that the pair of you have been close.."

"Not for some time." And none of your damn business, is what he'd like to say.

"Okay. But, you seem to have a way with words when it comes to Ms Naylor." Jonny wonders fleetingly where Elliot has imagined such a fallacy. "You may not realise it Jonny, but you do."

"Where's this going?"

"I suppose I was wondering if she's said anything to you."

"About what?"

"About, leaving?" Jonny is silent for a while, surprised by his palpable reaction to this news, his heart is pounding, and he's jolted into the reality of how scared he'd be to lose her. Mostly, he hates how much he still cares.

"She's leaving?"

"I don't know." Elliot replies neatly, after careful consideration.

"I don't understand. Wouldn't you know?"

"Not if Hanssen doesn't. Not if she plans of leaving us, somewhat, in the lurch." Jonny zones out of the conversation as Elliot begins to explain the sources of his concerns, the misconceptions he's appropriated. All Jonny really takes in is that he has to speak to Jac, he has to find out what's really going on.

**oooo**

It's only as he's standing in the empty lounge, spare key in hand, that it dawns on Jonny just how inappropriate it is to turn up unannounced at his ex-girlfriend's flat and not even have the decency to use the doorbell. He can hear the drum of the shower from her ensuite, and he wishes he was the sort of person who could just slink away, and pretend this never happened without feeling like a coward. The water shuts off suddenly, taking the decision out of his hands.

"Jac?" Silence. Then eventually the click of the bathroom door. "Jac?"

"What the hell are you doing in my flat?" She's dwarfed by an enormous fluffy towel, her hair loose and dripping down her back. He can't help but notice the exhaustion in her voice.

"I'm sorry. I'm worried about you. Rumours are flying around the place and, are you okay?" He cuts his explanation short as he notices how heavily she's leaning on her bedroom door, and lunges forward just in time to catch her as she sways.

"I'm fine." Her words are futile as she can't muster the strength to prise herself from his grasp, and reluctantly she lets him lead her to the sofa, stumbling and only serving to panic him more. "I'm just a bit faint, sorry but, I'm fine." She's annoyed at herself for apologising to him off guard.

"I'll get you some water." He says, but doesn't move his arms from their enveloping position around her shoulders. "I don't think you're fine." She closes her eyes and lets herself lean into his chest, already weary from the conversation they're about to have. He stiffens nervously, misreading her platonic move and not yet ready to be burned by her again. "There's rumours flying around like wildfire, Jac."

"But fortunately, you're above believing them? Oh, wait."

"I didn't say I believe the gossip, I just said I want the truth."

"What makes you think you're owed it? That it has anything to do with you?" Again, her tiredness is throwing her off, and she chastises herself for inadvertently revealing that there's something to reveal.

"I'm not. But, I'm here, aren't I?" He cranes his neck around to look at her properly, surprised to see tears starting to squeeze themselves from the corners of her closed eyes. She won't tell him how pathetic that makes her feel, that her ex is the only person who's there for her, but for a split second she does consider telling him the truth. "Come on Jac, you know everyone thinks you're about to up sticks and leave Holby without a word of warning. For Japan? If it is true, I think it's incredibly selfish."

"Incredibly in character then, don't you think?" When they were together, this kind of defensive comment would strike an understanding between them, then she'd feel grateful that she had somebody who could see through the mask.

"So, it's true?" His grip around her shoulders slackens, and it's all she can do to grab her towel back around her chest as he stands. She shrugs, unwilling to try and justify herself to him, unwilling to share the horrible thing that she really should share, with somebody.

**oooo**

It's 2am by the time Jac musters the effort, the willingness to drag herself up from the sofa. She's been sitting in the same position since Jonny left five hours ago, having long since dried off. Her hair feels thick and knotty, and she knows she'll have to wake up early to sort it out. She wonders if she'll get any sleep at all tonight. It takes two attempts for her to drag herself to her feet, and she's scared by how tight and painful her chest is as she makes it to her bedroom, groping for furniture to support her en route. She flops back onto the pillows, too exhausted to change or even reach for the bottle of codeine pills she's taken to keeping on her bedside table.

**oooo**

Jonny won't get much sleep tonight either. He feels uneasy, unable to get comfortable, unwilling to stop replaying the day's events in his head. He feels particularly guilty about walking out of Jac's flat when he did. The more he thinks about it, the more he realises he didn't listen to her at all. He starts to think there's more to it than her just leaving, starts to see the vulnerability that he couldn't when he was in her presence. The wounds from their split are still as raw for him, seeing her again, as they were the day she went to Japan. He knows that clouded his judgement earlier and now he can only hope she'll give him another chance to listen tomorrow. Above all else, he knows he can't let her walk out of his life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thankyou for your lovely reviews, here's the next bit x**

**oooo**

There's something oddly satisfying about her colleagues' surprise as Jac stalks back onto the ward the next morning. Gossip is a powerful thing in such a claustrophobic environment, and rumour had apparently turned fact overnight. Jac ponders how many nurses honestly believe she was planning a midnight flit or similar, and the satisfaction sinks to something approaching loneliness as she walks past Jonny towards her office. She doesn't notice how he stops what he's doing as she passes, his eyes trailing after her unchecked.

"Talk to her." the crushingly perceptive voice of Mary-Claire pipes up from behind him, and he pretends to ignore her as he lets his pen drop and follows in Jac's wake. He's some distance behind her, and joined by Ollie who's on route to the office with the last of yesterday's filing.

"So she's still here hey, I owe Tara a fiver."

"Then you're pretty naive pal, Jac Naylor won't go anywhere without at least causing a scene, I'd put money on that." The words trip amiably off his tongue and Ollie laughs, but as they open the office door Jonny is suddenly plunged into panic, and regret for his flippancy.

**oooo**

As she enters the office Jac lets her handbag fall onto her desk with a thud. She inadvertently brings a hand to her chest and tries to steady her breathing. She took the stairs for some inane reason, and now finds herself wheezing as a searing cramp starts to spread across her lungs, further constricting her ability to gasp for breath. Shaky, she fumbles in the bag for painkillers and it's all she can do to get the top off the bottle, leaning heavily on the desk. When the door swings open she drops it with a start, scattering the pills over an impressive circumference. She drops to her knees before her two speechless juniors, overwhelmed by the daggers in her chest and barely aware as two strong arms appear from behind. Then, she's looking at Jonny's face upside down and wondering why he's the one who seems scared.

"Oxygen, now. Elliot!" She hears from somewhere else, and then she's too tired to keep her eyes open anymore.

**oooo**

"She's out. Jac, Jac! Can you hear me?" Jonny finds himself nigh on shaking her, trying to get her attention. His face is almost against hers before he can feel her breath, frighteningly shallow, against his cheek. When he moves back her lips are tinged blue, and a hand on his shoulder pulls him firmly away as Ollie lifts her up and carries her to a trolley. Mary-Claire, who'd come running at the unexpected action, is turning the pill bottle over in her hands.

"You think she took these?"

"What are they?" Asks Elliot, arriving on the scene and beckoning for the bottle as he follows Oliver.

"Dunno." She replies simply, passing it over. "S'all in Chinese or something."

"Japanese." Jonny jumps in, returning suddenly to the fray. "Um, no, no she was trying to get into the bottle when she collapsed. Acute chest pains." He almost chokes on his words, clearly panicked. As they reach an empty side room Elliot listens to her chest as Ollie gets a line in, and two nurses start her on 100% oxygen. Jonny feels precisely useless. Speechless, and useless.

**oooo**

Elliot pads tentatively into the staffroom, where Jonny has been perched with the same cup of tea for around an hour.

"She's going for a CT scan soon."

"What? Oh, okay."

"Tara's tracking down her notes, it seems she was an outpatient at a private hospital in Tokyo. And, the lab have come back with results on the medication, it's just a codeine prescription."

"Why? How is she?" His voice sounds alien to himself.

"Stable. Unconscious. Oxygen levels in her brain may have been restricted for some time, her lungs don't seem to be working to full capacity. Hopefully the scan will tell us more."

"What are you thinking, though? A pulmonary embolism? Ah, MI? She's fit and healthy, Elliot, I don't understand."

"It's not that acute. I'm sorry, hopefully we'll know more after the scan." With that, Jonny's not sure what else to say. It dawns on him that his boss is treating him like a patient's relative, but he's not sure he cares.

"Elliot?" Tara pops her head around the door, rocking from foot to foot as she calls her superior.

**oooo**

Jac opens her eyes slowly, feeling groggy and immediately wondering what painkiller she's on. Her stomach sinks as she realises she's still on Darwin, wired into a monitor. Carefully she tips her head to the left so she can look out across the ward, and her eyes rest on Tara and Elliot, who are craning over his Ipad with worry etched on their faces. He reads something that brings his hand up to his forehead, then he pulls off his glasses and presses his thumb and forefinger to his eyelids briefly. She realises she's watching him find out what's wrong, that Tara must be showing him her notes from Tokyo. It could be an outer body experience, it feels like seeing somebody react to your death, and she's suddenly too hot and claustrophobic.

"Hey, hey." Ollie arrives as she's trying to push the sheets away with lethargy, getting her wrists tangled in the wires and drips.

"Can you discharge me?" It's a slurry croak, and the look on his face makes her feel like a fool. She studies it more carefully, wondering if he knows yet.

"What do you think?" He responds gently, guiding her back against the pillows by her shoulders as he speaks. "How are you feeling?" He checks, his stethoscope already against her chest, and eyes on the machine.

"Violated." She responds drily, the combination of trying to sit up and speak bringing the pain back to her chest and anchoring her mood at diabolical.

"Maybe choose somewhere more private to keel over next time, then." His quip is slightly distracted, and she wonders if he's found a murmur, and what that could mean for her condition. He sits down on the bed. "Jac, we really need to know why you're ill. What did they say in Japan?" Her eyes flick over to Elliot again, who's spotted she's awake and is now padding towards them. She feels trapped.

"Oliver," She has his full attention, she never uses his first name, "please make sure nobody else finds out. Please." He's confused, but any response he may have is cut short by Elliot's appearance.

**oooo**

Jonny walks back out onto the ward, but finds he doesn't have the balls to go any further towards Jac's room. He can see Elliot and Oliver in there now, the younger doctor perched on the bed. She's awake, which is good news of course, but the conversation they're having appears to be very grave. There's an elephant in the room somewhere, and he's too scared to unveil it.


End file.
